Woke up on the floor this morning at legats’ and moved to the couch, curled into a fetal position, couch conch. Had dreams about hiking through wintery woods. Legats cracked me up heartily first thing in the am and despite my mild hangover and mossy mouth i felt good about passing out on her floor. Went to tod’s this morning and ran into Andrea & Leah. Got to spend some quality time with A and she cracked me up. She told me about how she was walking in montford and saw the trolley drive by and was grimacing when she noticed a guy mooning the trolley, then realized it was her love at the time. “fucking stupid trolley…oh man that guy’s mooning the trolley…that’s the love of my life!!” Also that people ask her so often about her tattoos that she regrets getting them, and that people say “that must’ve hurt a lot,” and she’ll reply, “There’s worse things than physical pain.”
Emotional pain! Ouch forever. A thing about masculinity that Junot Díaz talks about is how inhumane the idea of “manhood” is, how it leads to men seeking their humanity through their romantic/sexual relationships with women, and how that’s complicated by legacies of sexism/sexual domination.
I feel like this resonates with me and some of my girlfriends. we talk about how some men need us so much emotionally, because they haven’t achieved enough intimate relationships with others where they feel safe being vulnerable. This can be draining on one partner, and the relationship, when one person has less loved ones to diffuse emotional untanglings with.
I tend to be pretty hyper-rational and in-my-head, to a fault, so I’m trying to be more “in touch” or present with how I feel. Making sense of chaos at an early age combined with whatever genetic proclivities has led me to be reason-centric as opposed to letting my being be the reason. As in, hey, it doesn’t make sense to be upset about this, so let’s just shut this upset thing down. Which works to a point, but can also lead to repression/unresolved emotional/psycho-spiritual habits. At least for me, I need to figure out how to deal with my temper/rage, but not sure how, aside from the aforementioned talking-oneself-out-of method.
Most importantly, I got to laugh a lot already today and I’m looking forward to more of that. always.